I

I can't really think of anything else to do or say at this particular moment in time.

Other than I feel like murdering someone.

4.09 am

And all I'd like to say is Hello too.

Hello and how are you?

Did you miss me?
Who are you friends with now?
Where do you lay your head at night for all these months?
Hows your family?
A new love?
Fancy a pint?
Are you still in love?
Chinese or chipper?
Do you remember that time in the Bushy park with the picnic?
Where are you living now?
Hows the band going?
Do you remember cycling to town with me?
Do you have any new dreams?
Any good gigs coming up?
Can you remember those movies we watched?
How are you coping with the secret you told me?
Scratch my back there plz?
Can I make you something to eat?
Remember how we cried?

Remember the time I lit that cigarette backwards?


Questions of the past?
No.

Before the new year.

Now is it love,

Or is it lust?

Or just wanting better things?

A man who can save me from all the prediciment I am in?

Too proud to say I miss you.

Too proud to say I still love you.

I love you, and I love the man I left you for.

Its numbing me throughout.

I was in love

"I'm not waiting for you to make a decision" he said.
My hands tremble.
I look for something to do.
Lying in bed is all I have to do.

"I'm not fucking you around"
"yes, you are."
"no."
I need a cigarette.

He stalks the room.
He picks up the picture.
Its already ripped in half. He ripped it in half, lastnight.
He puts my face in the bin.
I feel as if I am in that bin.

"I'm sorry"
too late.
Surely.

He leaves.
He comes back.
"where is my passport"

"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?"
Why am I shouting?
This is my fault.

He leaves again.
He comes back again,
He calls my name from the stairs.
This is one of the last times I will hear him shout my name.

"Don't walk on the tiles, Fergal said."
I do not care about what Fergal says. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
Silence.

I follow him to the kitchen.
I step on the tiles.

He walks the kitchen.
Looks at the fridge.

"Wheres my scarf?"
I am sick of looking for your possesions.

"I'll give you your shoes back when I see you."
"when will that be?"
"don't know."

We look at each other for along time.
Staring.
Eyes.
Conveying.

I'm thinking,
Stop looking for truth in my eyes.
Its not even in my heart.


And you leave again.
This time you did not come back.
















Clodagh out__

Fuck my life.

I always wonder what people think about when they're alone.

When they have no company.
When that person they feel so much for, is not there.
When nobody is around. To hear. Or to listen.


So this is what I think about


- I think about where I'll be in 6 months time.

- I wonder if you love me, or you just say it out of habit.

- I wonder who your with. And why your not here with me.

- I think about the person I shouldn't think about.

- I think about doing something good with my life.

- I think about moving to New York for the summer. And trying to forget about you.

- I wonder about my family. And what they're hiding from me.

- I think about what people think of me.

- I wonder if anybody has noticed. And if anybody cares.

- I think about doing something drastic to my appearance.

- I think about leaving my house.
And then realise I have nowhere to go.

- I think about glugging down the sneaky shoulder of vodka I keep in an old Louis V bag.

- I wonder how I could possibly make all the money to leave.

- I think about why I'm obsessed with you.

- I think that if I hadn't been born with all my physical problems, I would now be a well-rounded person.

- I wonder if thats true.


- I think about my dogs passing away. And how it will never happen.

- I think about how my parents spent €14000 on my education.
And I got into college on sheer luck.
They should have left me in Presentation.

- I think about what people would say if I was dead.

- I think about how much of a lying bitch you are.
And how you'll never pay for what you've done to me, and everyone I love.

- I think about my Grandad.
And how hes watching over me.
Then I think that this is silly.
But its a nice thought, isn't it?

- I think about how you're disappointed in me.
And you always will be.

- I think about how you're my best friend,
your lack of judgment and your strength astonishes me.

- I think about wether I'll know ANY of you in 5 years time.
And if I don't, will I think of you?

- I think about how many cigarettes I have left,
And where I'll find the €8.45 to buy the next box.

-I wonder about wether I'll be able for college or not.

- I think about how I've wronged you.
And how you've wronged me.

- I think about what type of music to listen to.

-I think about all the things I've never been able to do because of getting in my own way.

-I think about not eating for a few days,
maybe I might get a bit skinnier.
Then I remember I have no strength.

- I think about how people have it so much worse than me.
And I'm probably just a moany little wimp.

-I think about how I could be doing something productive, but instead I'm just sitting inside and doing nothing.




- I think about telling someone all this.
And then I remember.....

















Clodagh out_

Ok

So considering my laptop was temporarily broken,
AND i lost my passport!
I managed to have a really great birthday!
Basically went for dinner,
then came back to my house and got a bit drunk!

Fun all round!


Sooo I'm in the middle of that daunting Leaving Cert thing...

Which is turning out to be about as fun as chicken pox.
Although,
English paper 1 and 2 over,
Home ec over,
And maths paper one, OVER!

Soo only a few to go, which can only be good news really !!!




sims3 came out the other day,
And the lovely KraigMcGovern has been so kind to buy it for me on my birthday!
What a guy :P

I'm gonna go relax for awhile.. I genuinely think I deserve a break!

It always seems like

I'M the one to make the effort.

Although in saying this,
I'm sure a lot of people feel similar.

I guess its always up to the person who has the balls,
the motivation,
the DRIVE to actually make the effort.

To put up with it all...




.. But lately it just feels like I could walk through walls,
and nobody would pass much attention.

They'd probably just be like

"oh theres Clodagh. Walkin' through walls. Grand. So yeah, OMG. I TOTALLY said to Mable, I said..."


Of course I'm paraphrasing here!








2 days to The Leaving Cert.

I don't even want to talk about..
thats how bad it is! ha





Its also my birthday today.
Happy 18th to me!


What a crappy date for a birthday !

Also got my laptop broken lastnight by one of my mates spilling a pint all over it.
Which was a great early birthday present,
really.

Oh well.




I'm extremely hungry..
and slightly excited about my birthday dinner tonight!
So I'm going to go and polish up..
chain smoke..
the usual things I do before I go out really !









_Clodagh out _