Back to square

ONE.



I guess I should be dealing with a sort of
"guess you never know what you got til its gone" type situation.
But I'm not.
I don't even know what I'm dealing with.

I'm so pissed off,
unnecessarily upset,
And trying to deal with my own fucking double standards and personal equivocation and paradoxical nature I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm just as bad as you.
I'm as bad as the rest of them.


I've turned into this INCREDIBLE BITCH.
I don't even know where it came from.

I can't help but think that maybe its my own boredom.
Maybe I'm looking for drama.
Even though I say I'm trying to stay away from it.


How can I even think about this shit?
How can I think that I? ME? Clodagh fucking Shortall can even THINK, yet alone pontificate about these depts of human flaws, to think about these lows and highs, in a different way?

Somone has said it better before me.
and I'm personally lost for words.


For once.
I just want to shut my fat mouth,
Lie in bed,
And stay there forever.

Keep my friends away from me.
I'll only fuck everyone up. Or at least piss them off LOADS.




In basic words.


I've fallen.
Again.




And now your not here.
Again.
















Clodagh out _

Tired of falling.

I had a very strange day today.

The main thing I sort of realized was,
that EVERYONE,
No matter who you are...

.....wants to be heard.

We all want people to listen to us,

And to feel that our opinions, and our words matter.

For people to hang on our every word.




But thats not how it goes.




I guess we should just be happy if we even make a slight difference in somebody's day.

Even if its only making someone smile.



But I guess, most of the time, people aren't listening to what I say.


I think I'm ok with that..









Its almost the end of 6th year.
And I'm sort of feeling a bit bumped.

In one way its because I know it leaves me closer to the daunting task of sitting The Leaving Cert.

And on the other hand its because I don't really want to leave.
Its safe.
Its familiar.

But I know it has to come to an end.

And I guess I shouldn't really dwell on it,
I have that whole "future" thing ahead of me!!

Just because

I couldn't give you an exact reason why I decided to make a blog...

But I guess its because I'm bored,
and once again,
I'm looking for more reasons to procrastinate more important things in my life..

Also, theres a chance it might make sure that I don't write a load of ridiculous bulletins on myspace....
Which I feel is a tendency I have when I'm stressed/upset/drunk!



So pretty much all week I've been trying to deal with the PAIN in my mouth,
from getting my tongue pierced on Sunday.

Today is 4 days later and I can't feel theres much improvement,

although I have been able to talk better (through paining myself severely :S. )
I just wish this would heal already!




Apart from that, the usual school stress has been getting to me

(which has only become customary to anyone who is also in the same hell of 6th year as I am.)

I keep hearing that "ITS 30 DAYS!"
and
"ONLY 3 WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT"

....

And I thought at this stage I'd be delighted with the news of schools termination...
But I can't help but feel....

I'm not sure what the words is....

I guess a sense of casualty...

I'm just starting to worry about The Leaving Cert...
But at the same time I can't muster up the motivation to study...

HOWEVER....
Life is not all bad and I feel as if I should at least start my VERY FIRST blog entry on cheery, even convivial tone !

So please read
(and hopefully enjoy, be entertained by or at least find it funny to laugh at me!)



More updates soon I'm sure!
No doubt when I should be doing my art prep work! ha!







__Clodagh out__